This month has been abit rather upsetting to me. Why I bother this, I don't know. Maybe because it gives me somewhere to talk alittle? This is my only 'journal' that I write on mainly. Or maybe I'd like a better response then "so what? It's done and over with. There's no point in dwelling or panicking over it now." Yeah. Maybe I'm just sick of the same response right now. Alright, let's start this rant shall we?

It's been pretty upsetting for me. Why? Because family troubles, death of a dear friend, and personal life issues just don't mix in one little pot. You can agree with that right? And my past file definitely tags me as a person who has little endurance for this bull in a lone sitting.

Alright, family. I don't get along very well with bits of my family. Mainly my mother, one of my aunties, and whoever else ends up making me tend to problems concerning my mother because why? Because I'm the daughter of my late father, a great man who did alot to become a real idol for me yet his wife knows how to slip shit up and make a mess. My father passed on about two years ago... maybe three now, he died of a fatal stroke, no chance of survival. When he departed, we did as he wanted in his will, be turned to ash, given military honors, and placed within Punch Bowl Military Cemetery,HI. That went fine and there was much mourning and pain. This is still something I try to come to terms with. Now what is the issue here? A couple things. When my dad died, his will dictated all would go to my mother. Our home, his cars, all possessions in general, personal or governmental. The big stuff went to mother, none to me which is a worry to me and my father's family. My mother is alittle hard to trust with money which I rather not detail over. Because my mama's pattern normally says she might lose all my dad earned, she will. And I'm afraid she is proving she is being difficult to trust. She was given my father's inheritance money from my grandma- ALL OF IT NOW- an estimate of... well... fuck alot... like between 90k and 70k kinda lot. I contacted my mother about this to know where it went. Gone. That was her answer. It's gone with the damn wind! How? Bills? Bull. It's been 2-3 years and it all went to BILLS!? She probably used it to gamble or even spoil herself silly! I doubt only bills can take all that money! And me?! What about me?! That was my SCHOOL MONEY! My dad wanted that to help me go to school! My grandma believed my mother had changed and could give it all to her. And she did. The the one thing that was sorta mine, my dad's car. It's still in good condition, is only a few years old possibly an '05-'06 Hyundai. I trust my mom's word it would stay mine even when I left to move back to Hawaii for schooling. What does she do? Try to sell it behind my back for 11k. Why? Because she says she can't fix it like my father could, it's old, and she needs it to pay HER DAMN CAR!! An Xterra that she bought because she feared NV's snow and because I had dad's car. My grandparents begged me to tell my mother to give the dealers back the Xterra. I do as they ask and she said she would, but nope. My mother grinds my mind so badly that I swear I'm struggling to even say that I still LOVE HER. So in main summary, my mother is causing my family to have me try to salvage my father's properties, and me to- I swear to no end- die like my dad did.

Next on the list, mourning over someone I loss. Ok this isn't much of a rant so much as wanting to cry on someone's shoulder because I miss them. My senpai, , died two days ago. He suffered from MD(Muscular Dystrophy) which basically weakened his muscles from his mobility to his inner works like his heart. I knew him since I was 14. We meet through Fan-Based Sonic the Hedgehog roleplays back on Neopets. We became close friends and eventually I got to meet him on a trip to see my brother. It was awesome to see him. I even had a crush on him and wubbed him to no end. Of course, virtually, I couldn't resist being somewhat destructive and knock him around like a ragdoll. Was my way of saying I liked him. For awhile, I lost contact with him, never saw him come onto msn, on our forums, nothing. I had nearly forgotten what he even suffered. Next thing I knew, I log onto Second Life; my friend, who is also a friend to my senpai, told me the news of his passing; I freaked. I went into a state of denial thinking that it wasn't true. I went so far as to try and contact senpai only to be told it was true by his best friend. I cried. It was painful yet hard to have much to any soft comfort over the feeling of losing someone for the second time in my life. But in truth, yeah it hurts. He's dead but I can't take this back. But it seems I did have a strong impact on him. I made him happy, we had our good times and he will keep them even into the grave. Just wish I had better comfort than the cold-stone fact of it all. It makes me feel so bitter when someone tells me that.

Personal life issues... well that was all said and done in the last two parts. Other than that, trying to survive is simple as that. Money is tough in this world. It's Hawaii, it's the tropic tourist hotspot so everything is pricey to freaking get except for ramen and McD. But what might be killing me hardest is how I'm without a solid job and I have no choice but to rely on my roomie's income. It pains me, I'm not honestly learning shit for myself. I can't support my damn self. I know I jumped the gun and moved without much thought. It was my error and now I'm paying for it... well... more like my roomie is. I feel so damn useless. Sit at home, sleep, and do nothing. I'm so angry with this. I want a job, I'd like to work, earn my own income, help with rent since it apparently smacked us in the face without warning! And my girlfriend... how I love her, but how I also get flustered by her. It feels more like I'm losing her than anything... She picks idiotic things like random boys over hanging out with her own girlfriend! At times, she can be so unreliable but I know she means well... somehow... I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel so dead and useless. All I get for some form of comfort is being told to change. HOW?! How can you change? Turn in a few applications here and there and go back to sitting on my fucking arse! I HATE IT. IT ENRAGES ME. IT BURNS ME. I'm one chicken without a head, going in circles and unable to do anything to make a change except to sit and wait!

*sigh* All in all, that's basically my rant in a nutshell... and big one... you know like a... erm... walnut? a big walnut? Ok, if you want a smaller nut on my point: family expects a 19 year old to fix trouble caused by her own mother; one of my closest friends has died; and life just sucks. Then again, anyone can tell you life sucks. Deal with it. Well... fuck off if you try to tell me that same bull. Not everyone can take the cold reality without alittle bit of comfort... Good night everyone.